The Uneasy

First things first, I am totally ashamed of how long it's been since my last post. *SMH*

AND, soooooo much has happened. 

The biggest and best thing, we found out on September 20th, 2014 that we are expecting our third child in June. The surprises didn't stop there. At an early 12 weeks, we found out that HE is another BOY!  Repeat after me, SO MUCH BLUE. We also found out that I will be having him the end of May at the latest, rather than June. It's right around the corner now! 

In his ultrasounds, he is spunky and so full of energy. He punches the dopplar on a regular occasion. It's obvious he is ready to handle these energetic brothers of his. 

January, 15th we got to see his sweet face again. Daddy got to see him for the first time. His new police schedule doesn't always work around my appointment times. The ultrasound technician said she would consult with the doctor and be back in. 

A few minutes later, our emotions were changed. Instead of the tech coming in, the specialist did. That was a look I will never forget. He informed us that the baby's femur was measuring small. That being said, his risk of down syndrome increased substantially. With my other healthy pregnancies, this was never a concern, never even a thought really. The doctor was NOT saying that little man has down syndrome or doesn't, just that the increase of risk is there and we needed to be aware. 

I left the appointment confused. I obviously love this sweet baby and would no matter what. That was never a doubt. But, I doubted myself. Could I raise a child with a disability? Am I strong enough? How would this effect Layne and Hudson's childhood? 

Jordan sat very calm the entire drive home. He isn't worried, or at least isn't showing it. 

(We think he already looks like Hudson.)

The following week, I met with my regular OB. She had reviewed the images and report from the specialist and was equally confused. His dates and measurements didn't add up, for one thing. She reassured me not to worry until things have been cleared up. I will go in for another ultrasound in her office in four weeks. They will measure sweet boy again and see if the specialist was correct or totally off his rocker that day. 

Until now, only a few select friends and family members have known what's been going on. I am uneasy about the whole thing. At this point, I'm not worried or any more stressed... just uneasy. I am ready for some answers about my sweet baby. I'm ready for someone to take the time to give me those answers.

At this point, we could just use prayers for clarity and wisdom. Sweet boy's kicks, twists and turns, and totally uncomfortable movement reminds me that "Hey mama, I'm here. I'm healthy, movin' and groovin'." 

And, no... at 22 weeks pregnant, we do NOT have a name picked out. Middle name? Yes. First name? Not a chance. I've had to pick two other fabulous boy names, ya know. 

Two Weeks for the Books

The last two weeks have gone by so fast, more I'm sure for my baby sister. Her fiance (gah! Husband) leaves tomorrow to head back to Active Duty in Alaska. She is not going, just yet. tonight we had a family cookout to say "See ya soon" to Derek. Sydnee, my baby sister, shot this photo of my gorgeous little family.

Last week, their wedding was nothing short of a fairy tale. There is nothing more beautiful than a military man marrying a beautiful princess. They complete each other, like no one I've ever witnessed. They are bound for endless days of happiness. 

(Mel Bull Photography)

Remember, Syd, distance does make the heart grow fonder. It sucks ass that you're not together and won't be for a short while... but he is safe, out of harms way. Soon, you will be back in his arms. 

Congrats, Mr. and Mrs. Dickerson. 

I Believe in Signs.

Last night, my car was packed full of my 4 handsome boys. (Sarge included.) We headed to Brownsburg, through the country, to a local shaved ice stand. If you haven't checked out the Ice Barn, you totally should. They have a bazillion flavors and they are oh so delicious. Cheap too!

So, we are windows down, music up, driving through the beautiful countryside ... or as country as Brownsburg gets. The boys are laughing and playing the backseat and the dog is a bit scared of my driving. Jordan and I were discussing what church we would go to, starting this coming Sunday. Sadly, this is the first time we will attend church as a family. Jordan has worked every single Sunday since we were married.

Hubbyface practices Southern Day Adventist, as his religion. It is a lot like my Christian religion, but not the same. I was, whereas I have always went to church on Sundays. We agreed on a Christian Church right up the road from where we live. I had barely ended my sentence of, "I wish there was a SDA church around us, because I would love to worship on the Sabbath." when BAM, there is a SDA church, right next to us on the road. No joke, there it was. I with all my heart believe it was a "sign" from God saying "Here is is. You asked and I delivered." We have drove this back road near a hundred times and never once saw this church. it wasn't our time to see it.

Our little family of 4, we will leave Sarge at home, will be attending church for the first time this coming Saturday. Thank you, God, for our sign and showing us the road to take... oh so clearly.

Keep your eyes and ears open, people, he will guide you. You have to release the reigns and let him in.

Because He Didn't Have to Be.

Father's Day comes every single year, and yet I'm always caught off guard with my emotions about the day. Some may know, some may not know what I am about to chat about. When I was 13, I was told the truth about my "birth dad." That is giving him some credit, just to be called that. Apparently, he wasn't man enough to have a daughter, and raise me like he should've... and therefore, walked away. Thankfully. He has now walked out of his other three beautiful daughter's lives. This isn't about him, however, and he deserves not one more word.

 

 It is about the man that I have always and will ALWAYS, call "Dad." I've been told, many times, that my Dad, Richard, fell in love with me way before falling in love with my mom. I came into his life as a baby, and he never left. HE NEVER LEFT. Never left the little girl that he didn't have to raise, didn't have to clothe and feed, teach me to ride a four-wheeler, let play in his garage... even if I did ruin my brand new Easter dress. He never left when my teenage attitude got the best of me. Never once threw in my face that he wasn't my "real" dad, because he was indeed my REAL dad. He loved me first. He might not have held me first, but he held me when it mattered. He stepped up when a coward stepped down. He gave me his last name, protected me when I was scared, cheered for me at softball games. He was right there beside me as I married the man of my dreams, calmed my nerves as I walked down the isle (even if he did threaten to trip me).

 

Throughout the years, we have had our differences. I have been in the wrong more times than I can count. I have to blame him for my stubbornness, anyone who knows him would agree. As I have gotten older, matured if you will, I have realized that I am more like him than I ever would admit before. I am impatient and like things my way, I would prefer no one touch my oreos, and I eat cottage cheese with every meal. Okay, maybe a few other things... I am driven like he is, I push to accomplish things, my schedule is always packed but you call, I'll get you in. He taught me to shoot a gun, drive a car, curse like a sailor (I didn't say everything was good), respect my parents, and mostly to fight for what I want in life.

 

 He showed me that love isn't about blood.

 

"Blood is thicker than water. Oh, but love is thicker than blood." -Garth Brooks

 

I love you, dad. Thanks for always being there when I've needed you the most. I couldn't have hand picked a better dad for myself. I was lucky to call you dad, but my boys are even luckier to call you "Papaw."

 

( I Will Always Be YOUR Little Girl.)

 

It's Not All Lilies (Because I don't like roses.)

 

 

They are beautiful, right? Of course they are.

 

 But, do they go to bed on time, eat all of their dinner, listen to Mama when Mama gives direction, clean up their toys (or anything for that matter), get along, be nice to the dog, sit at the table for every meal, hold hands, sing and dance..... I am usually lucky to get a couple of these a day. The point I am getting at is, it is not all fun and games being a mama. Sometimes (FB especially) it may seem like this Mama has everything together. Do I have perfect children? Yes, they are perfect for me. Do they scream in the store for an overpriced toy that I refuse to buy them? Yes... and I still refuse.

 

I contemplated different topics for today's blog post. I considered so many different, sweet, charming subjects. But, the truth is... this is real life. I want this blog to help other Mama's, who might be havning the same HARD as he** day. That is exactly what today was. It was so hard, I questioned God's decision in making me a Mama... more than once. Yes, you read that right. I would never give up my babies, but sometimes I do wonder if I am the best person to be their Mama.

So, what happened today you might wonder?

 

Layne opened candy at CVS and shoved the wrapper down his pants so that I would HAVE to buy it... he is too smart for his own good. I obviously bought it, and threw it away on the way to the car. He was NOT going to win... right? That's the right thing to do? Am I positive... not a chance.

 

I was getting Hudson dressed and came back to the living room, the silent living room. Where was Layne? This happens way too often for panic to set in yet... check the backyard, no Layne. Check the front yard, no Layne.  Neighbors house, no Layne. Insert panic, major panic. He was at the other neighbors house, playing with toys in her living room. Before you freak, we live on a  dead end and he is ALWAYS at the neighbors... I tell him to come home and have to chase him blocks to fireman carry him back to his room for timeout.

 

Hudson has had the very worst diarrhea and diaper rash, accompanied with cutting three teeth at one time. He is just a peach, still smiling though. He decided to feed his entire lunch to the dog in the time it took me to walk to the stove and make my plate. My plate, obviously, became his new plate.

 

This all happened before noon. NOON. These are just the highlights too. Not including the tantrums, fighting, kicking the dog, spilled milk, toy throwing normal of our day.

 

I am NOT complaining about being a SAHM. I am very blessed to be with my kids every single day, most days. Days like today make me question staying home. Maybe they would act better if they were in daycare and not with Mama all day? Maybe they resent me for staying home with them? Maybe, maybe, maybe...

 

After Jordan came home from a long day of academy, tired and wanting to rest, I mowed the lawn, trimmed the fence, watered the plants, made dinner, baths, both boys in Mama's bed for a cuddle (hence the darling picture at the top of the page), and put them both to bed... with a husband not far behind. I could have very easily went to bed with them, leaving the dishes, trash to be taken out, toys picked up, and this glorious blog post unfinished... but my key to surviving this SAHM thing is time to myself. This is my time, quiet time for Mama. HGTV playing in the background, keys clicking on my laptop, dog snoring at my feet... My TIME!

 

Which reminds me, I need to find more of this so called "my time." Perhaps I will start that tomorrow, ha. Perhaps.

Dear Derek.

I am planning my baby sister's bridal shower. I asked her to send me all of the pictures she has of her and her fiancé. She doesn't know what I am doing with them, I can keep a secret ya know. ;) Anyways... I am going through them today, editing them, and working on what I have planned ... when it hit me. She is getting married. Married. As if that isn't enough... she is moving to Alaska. Does anyone know how far Alaska is? It is 3,635 miles from my front door to the Army gate. That is REALLY far away. Instead of being sad, I've decided to give her fiancé direct instructions, from her favorite sister. (ha.)

 

Without further ado...

 

Dear Derek,

 

She picked you. You picked her. Simple as that, right? We both know, definitely not. I know the journey you guys have had to get to this point. You deserve her just as much as she deserves you. I know that you know her pretty well, but I thought I would give you some pointers.

 

First and foremost, get a calendar of the full moons. Do NOT speak to her during one. Do NOT not speak to her during one. You will not win any argument during that time... or any ever really. Seriously, this full moon business is serious. She turns into some crazy cat woman lady. I can say this, because I do too.

 

When she gets mad and wants to be left alone, she really doesn't. Comfort her. Kiss her and tell her how beautiful she is. She can only be mad for so long. She is going to get mad, maybe daily... but only because she wants everything as perfect as possible for you.

 

Do NOT complain at a restaurant about your food, the time a waitress takes, etc... just eat the food. I've learned this one the hard way.

 

She will gladly accompany you to as many horror films and comedies as you want, just make sure to sneak in a love story here and there.

 

She is going to "try" to cook. Now, I'm not saying she is a bad cook... but, she needs experience, like all of us. I won't go into my meatloaf story, its embarrassing. (She can tell you.) Whether the food is cold, burnt, anything other than undercooked... just eat it. Be thankful you have someone who is trying as hard as she will.

 

Do all of these things and I promise you, she will love you like you have never been loved. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know and is finally ready to let someone in. You're that lucky someone.

 

Marriage is NOT easy, it is not a walk in the park. Some days flat out suck, but be there through the suck. It does get better and you will get stronger. You will get through everything, side by side.

 

Lastly, cherish her. Cherish getting to see her smile everyday. Cherish not being 3,635 miles away from her. Cherish her opinion and that she isn't afraid to say it. Cherish how much she loves you and loves your career. Cherish her love for this country and the pride she has that you defend it. Cherish her.

 

I don't need to warn you what happens if you hurt her. I'm sure it is pretty obvious. Business aside, welcome to this crazy, wild, loud, but oh so loveable family. We are so proud and happy to have you.

 

Your soon to be sister in law.

 

 

Another Title for Mama

The description on my blog states the two titles that are so very dear to me, after of course being a Christian. As of 3:15 PM, yesterday, I have added another.... Police Wife. As many of you know, Jordan has been in the interview process for Crawfordsville and Indianapolis PD for almost a year now. Right, a year. 10 LONG months, to be exact. It has been one heck of a ride. From physicals, to hiring letters, BP issues, doctors appointments, last minute uniform purchasing.... it all lead up to yesterday at noon. As the boys and I were walking out the door, to run errands, Jordan receives a phone call. It was the Police Sergeant that he has been working in direct contact with at IMPD. It was the same Sgt that called just one week ago, one day before academy, to notify us of lack of financial agreement to send Jordan to academy the following day. Devastated. This time, however, the phone call was different. I could tell by the look on my sweet husband's face. He hung up, looked at me, and smiled. The Sgt had told him he needed to report in a suit to the City building in one hour, with a possibility to be sworn in at 3. Possibility, not a word this Mama likes to hear after this long process. Possibility also meant we didn't know if the little boys and I could be there to see him be sworn in, if he was indeed doing so. Jordan sent me to finish the errands, got dressed, and headed downtown.

 

 It wasn't thirty minutes later, he called saying he would officially be sworn in and that the boys and I could be there. I rushed home, got everyone cleaned up and dressed... they are boys, ya know? At noon, they were already too dirty to be presentable, let alone go to a formal swear in ceremony. I will never forget the excitement in Layne's voice on the way there. "Mom, daddy is gonna be a policeman?" "He is going to be a good policeman and get them bad guys." "Is he going to have a gun now?"

 

We had about an hour to spare, before the ceremony. We entertained the boys in a tiny conference room with Yo Ho (Jake and the Neverland Pirates) and Spiderman on the marvelous things known as smart phones. Thank you, Jesus. During that time, we were introduced and welcomed in the family by the Police Chief, Head of Police, other Police officers, and staff. Humbled. That would be the word to describe my feelings, at that moment.

 

When the Sgt came in, telling us it was time, I glanced over at my dear husband. He had worked so incredibly hard for this. He DESERVED this. We had prayed, cried, screamed, you name it, for this. And, now... it was here.

 

The ceremony was one of the most proud moments in my life. As I shushed Hudson, held Layne back from talking to the Chief, and recorded from my phone, tears rolled down my face. He was here, right where he wanted/needed to be. Even more, WE were here, as a FAMILY. Throughout this whole process, that's where we have been. When one us does something, we all do something. Our family was sworn in to the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department, as of June 10th, 2014. We are so blessed and proud.

 

As announced in the Paper and online, Jordan was offered a conditional offer of employment with CPD, pending his physical. During that physical, his BP registered high, one the many things that cannot be off for this job. We truly were 50/50 deciding on which department to go with during this process. It was very much a yoyo effect, most of the time. My family is in Crawfordsville, the department is prenominal there, small town... STOP. That right there is what got us. For 5 years, we have loved the city life. We enjoy the YMCA, hockey, our neighbors, and everything being so close. Most of all, the different options for schooling for the boys is par none. For OUR FAMILY, Indy was the right choice. Not that it is a better department, or better officers, but it is BETTER for us.

 

"I cannot believe you would pick Indianapolis, with all the shootings that happen daily." - Said by soooo many people to us yesterday.

 

First of all, Jordan did a tour to Iraq. He worked in a terrorist prison, filled with cell after cell of people who wanted our soldiers killed. Someone has to do it. Someone with a passion to protect his family, this country, and others. Indy is not anymore dangerous than Crawfordsville, we just happen to have 15 news crews available at all times. If he was worried about the safety aspect, he probably wouldn't have chosen this career. Perhaps a secretary would have been a better route. THIS is his dream.

 

Defend and Protect. He will now do so in two ways, United States Army and Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jordan Kelle,

I am proud beyond words. You inspire me in everything that you do. You NEVER give up, even when it seems like the only option. You are the biggest, and best role model for our sweet boys. God seriously did "Give me You." I will always be right here beside you, even when it means sewing pockets closed on shorts you need for the first day of academy... at midnight. I know this is the BEST Father's Day gift you could have received.

I love you and that's the beginning and end of everything.

 

-Your Wifey