He is Nearer Than We Think

Today, after getting breakfast cleaned up, boys dressed, dog fed, lunch made, trash taken out, lunch cleaned up, laundry started, grocery list crafted, and the boys in their rooms for naptime... It hit me.

 

That moment when everything I can normally juggle comes crashing down on me, as if I missed just one ball, causing the others to plummet to the floor. There is so much going on in our life right now, more than most know about. I try my very best to hide it, keep it in, and smile as though saying "I've got it all together."

 

Some days, amongst the toy throwing, dog barking, kid screaming... I feel so alone. So very, very alone. I was in the middle of a mini meltdown, prior to logging on to write this, honest. My phone had worked its way to a picture on FB. I am sure one of my bebes had gotten it there, or it rubbed on my jeans and navigated its way... but the picture said...

 

"He is Nearer to Us than we Think."

 

Boom. Just like that, I realized I am not alone. I am never alone and I don't have to handle these struggles alone either. I am guilty of thinking I can control everything, without help. God tells us, over and over in the Bible, "Trust in me." I have lacked that trust. Laying things in HIS lap instead of carrying around my heavy chest.

 

I find it hard sometimes to just open and read my Bible. I don't understand it as much as I do when taking small bits at a time. I've found myself looking up things first in the Bible, before acting. How silly am I to think that I am EVER alone?

Joshua 1:9 Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be you dismayed: for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

2 Samuel 7:28 And now, O Lord GOD, you are that God, and your words be true, and you have promised this goodness to your servant:

Psalms 9:10 And they that know your name will put their trust in you: for you, LORD, have not forsaken them that seek you.

Psalms 13:5 But I have trusted in your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

Psalms 20:7 Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.

Psalms 31:14 But I trusted in you, O LORD: I said, You are my God.

Psalms 56:3 What time I am afraid, I will trust in you.

Psalms 84:12 O LORD of hosts, blessed is the man that trusts in you.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not to your own understanding.

Proverbs 11:13 A talebearer reveals secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit conceals the matter.

Proverbs 11:28 He that trusts in his riches shall fall; but the righteous shall flourish as a branch.

Proverbs 28:26 He that trusts in his own heart is a fool: but whoever walks wisely, he shall be delivered.

Isaiah 12:2 Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.

Isaiah 43:1 But now thus said the LORD that created you, O Jacob, and he that formed you, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name; you are mine.

Jeremiah 7:8 Behold, you trust in lying words, that cannot profit.

Daniel 6:23 Then was the king exceedingly glad for him, and commanded that they should take Daniel up out of the den. So Daniel was taken up out of the den, and no manner of hurt was found on him, because he believed in his God.

John 14:1 Let not your heart be troubled: you believe in God, believe also in me.

Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Revelation 21:5 And he that sat on the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said to me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

 

Bills, test results, career changes, embarrassment, projects, parenthood, marital issues, finding a new home, car maintenance, housekeeping, weight issues... There is a verse there for them all, yet I carry all these things around with such weight. I WILL do better. I will lay these things at HIS feet and know that I am not in control. He is in control. What is His will, will be.

 

Matthew 6:25                    

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

 

Remember- Trust God.

 

 

sixONE

On this day, exactly one year ago... I woke up in my third pregnancy to blood. Later that day, I found out that we had lost our sweet, sweet baby. In a year's time, I have mourned, prayed, and recovered. I happened to find a calendar from the first year of Jordan and I's relationship. On that calendar, I documented every little, silly detail. There was trips to Wal-Mart, eating out and where, things that were special to us. June 1st, 6 years ago... Jordan told me he loved me for the first time. June 1st. After losing the baby, I always thought today would be a sad day for the rest of our lives. I documented that silly calendar for a reason, kept it for a reason, and found it ... in my opinion, for the same reason. GOD HAS A PLAN. Our lives are HIS plan, not ours. Did I want that baby? More than life. Do I miss him/her? Every. Single. Day. But, HE has a plan. He wrapped his arms around our family and carried us over the grief and pain.

 

Today, before writing this post, I was lost for words. It suddenly came to me ... Maybe June 1st, 6/1 has a meaning to our life. I then googled "Bible verses 6:1" and what do you know...

 

Genesis 6:1-4 Says this...

 

6 And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,

² That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
³ And the Lord said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
⁴ There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.

Coincidence, many might think so... I am not one of those many. God is in our every moment or every day. If we just step back and let him, he will show us so many things. I am guilty of getting so caught up in the everyday routine, too busy to step back. I will be changing that.

 

Today, I will be spending the day with the two most beautiful, darling baby boys that God intended for me to mother. ME!

 

Happy 6 Years of Lovin' Me, Jordan Kelle.

 

 

Beautiful Friendship

Okay. Let's get something straight, Adana and I were not friends in high school. Why? Because I was so far up some guy (who I now have no contact with) ass. I didn't listen to all the "elders" when they said to make friends and study hard. I was a legit boy crazy biotch.

 

I cannot even tell you what brought Adana and I together. I look back and try, just can't. My answer... God. God chose for us to be friends. Now, is he totally okay with the amount of gossip we do? Probably not, but we will ask for forgiveness. Don't worry there.

 

Huds has a fever at 11:30? Text Adana.

Had has a crazy rash? Read text, from Adana.

Layne is acting like a crazy ass monster... Yep. Ask her to remind me for the 9,657th time that he is NOT autistic or anything else my ridiculous mind might come up with.

 

Truth is. I love when she asks me for advice or questions something. I love being able to bounce parenting things off of her, without judgment.... *too much judgment. Being a wife and a mama is hard work. It is something you have to WORK at every single second. Having someone who is (too) much like me, always there, makes this insane thing called life...

 

 

Beautiful. Like Her. Beautiful.

 

 

Her husband isn't terrible either. ;)

 

Truth is... I'm more thankful for our friendship, late night conversations, ridiculous comments, parenting advice, good/bad wife advice, and sooooo much more than she will EVER comprehend.

 

I've never felt like anyone has ever "got me." Never understood my beliefs or lack of, my moody moments, and bitchy days.... until NOW!

 

Love you.

Memorial - In Memory Of...

I'm hanging my head at the thought of three months going by without a single blog entry. However, I am back now, and I refuse to live in the past. (Like I how I used that to my advantage?)

Last night, the boys and I went to the local shaved ice stand for snow cones. Jealous, huh? They are amazing, and cheap... and CHEAP! On our way back, infamous Hudson dumped his all down himself in his car seat. I pulled over at the closest place, some rundown hotel. I cleaned him up and jumped back into the car to take off. As soon as I put it in park, I noticed three soda bottles on the dirt road ahead of us. My immediate thought seemed to match my darling veteran husband's, considering the bug eyes he was giving me. IED. I backed up and went another way, but the thought occurred to me... some families, civilians, will never have that fear. They would have ran over them, intentionally possibly. I don't share this for pity. As a matter of fact, just the opposite. I am proud of the fact that we are more aware of our surroundings. Although it can annoying at times, it could someday safe our lives.

The next thing I share is a feeling I did NOT share with sweet hubbyface. I took a silent moment in that car full of sugared up boys to feel so blessed that Jordan came home from Iraq. Blessed that if he did indeed see a soda bottle, it was just that.

Today, we are attending a cookout like many Americans. We will NOT forget to remember those who gave all so that we have the freedom to entertain neighbors, family, and friends on this day and many more. I am so THANKFUL that I am NOT honoring my husband on this day. He is after all, not a memory. He is here, alive, serving this county. That I am thankful for every. single. day.

Memorial day, we chose to honor those who have fallen before us, serving this beautiful country. May God be with their sweet precious families today and everyday. May he fill their hearts with so much pride.

There should be no guilt laid upon us for celebrating on this day with family, as long as you take at least a moment to realize and think about why you can. On Memorial Day, there is no need to thank a Veteran (although everyday is a good day to do so), but remember a fallen one.

Monkey Turns 4

Well, today is the day. The day that my sweet little 8lb 4oz baby boy, turns 4! I cannot believe how fast the last 4 years have gone. He is such a joy in our lives. He keeps us on our toes and definitely tests us to our max.The biggest and best way to describe Layne would have to be his humor. He makes jokes out of everything, everyday. I decided for his 4 year birthday post, I would document some of the amazingly hilarious things that comes out of his mouth. Like Gigi would say, "Out of the mouths of babes." 

L:Here mom, I got you a mint. 

Me:Thanks Layne, that was so nice. 

L:Well, you needed it. 

"Hudson, mom is the boss. The boss in the sauce. "

"Sometimes, I like to poop for a long time. "

"I tried to make it to the bathroom just it just came blasting out of me. "

L:Mom, Sydnee is here now. You need to leave. 

Me:Where will I go, it is 10pm?

L:Mom, the stores are open till 1. 

"You smell like beef and cheese."

Jordan is at training for a month. 

"Daddy, I'm sorry you have to sleep in your car."

"I will just lay down and cuddle with you mom. I am not sleeping with you. We're cuddling... snooooooring."

"Sometimes I love dad more than you, when he says yes. "

There are so many things that come out of this kids mouth. I am going to start documenting things more and more. He keeps me guessin, that's for sure. To end this post, I will leave his funniest comment from today and the photos from his first time at Chuck E. Cheese. 

"Mom, I loved my party today. "

"Layne, we didn't have a party today. That is in a week when Daddy gets back and all your friends come."

"Mom, it is a party. It really is. Look around... there are balloons."

Here is to making four the BEST year yet! We love you, baby boy. 

Toddler Boy 101

Everyone tells you, the moment you find out you're pregnant... "Oh just wait until he/she is 2, that's when the fun begins." *Insert Smirks* Sadly, they are right. You remember every single step and milestone, counting teeth, and rocking to sleep. At 2, our little monkey no longer wanted to be rocked. He didn't want to do anything like a "baby". Suddenly, he was a toddler. It seemed like overnight. Where did our baby go?

I'll tell you where. He turned into a defiant, handsome, muddy, ornery toddler. Still, sweet as can be, don't get me wrong.. but challenging. More challenging than all nighters with a colic baby, formula runs at 3am, dirty diaper changes, challenging. Some days seemed like an eternity until bedtime. Other days, I reminded myself many times that this parenting "job" is like any other in ONE way, it comes with hard times along with the amazing times. I remember thinking preschool seemed forever away. But, reality ... it sure isn't. As a matter of fact, it is here now.

My baby monkey is four tomorrow. Four. His first words vanished into thin air, being replaced by sentences and emotions like I never imagined. I mean, really... who would have thought someone could talk more than I do? Well, folks, he can. Believe it.

As I type this, I look at my almost 4 year old and watch as he includes his baby brother in everything he does. He holds his hands behind Hudson as he climbs things, insuring he doesn't fall. He wipes his baby brother's tears when they fall, turns on his nightlight, helps find his Bob (sippy cup). My sweet baby is now the BEST big brother Hudson could ever ask for. There have many days I have doubted myself and my parenting. Today, as I watch him with his brother, I am reminded that he knows all those caring gestures because Mama taught him them. I smile. I smile knowing I must have done something right.

While the late night teething and rocking for hours might be just a memory, I'll hold it forever. I wouldn't change a single thing. Even on the worst of days, Jordan and I came together and did what was best for our baby ... no matter what. I can promise one thing, we always will put these sweet boys first.

Tomorrow, in honor of Layne's birthday, I will catch everyone up on what he is doing and the lovely phrases that now fill his vocabulary. Today, I wanted to reflect on this amazing journey that God blessed me with, being Layne's Mama.

Happy Last Day as a Three Year Old, my Sweet Monkey. Mama loves you, to the moon and the stars.

Happy Should Have Been Your Birthday

On May 1st of this year, I was so excited for December 30th to come. I couldn't wait to hold our third child in my arms, adding to our crazy and energetic family. On June 1st, I knew that this day would be one of the hardest of my life. I've dreaded it every day since. Here is is, right in front of me. December 30th, 2013, what should have been your "birthday". Sweet baby Three, I find so much peace knowing you are with Jesus and happy and healthy. I smile knowing you will never face this cruel world your daddy, brothers, and I live in. I cannot help, however, but wonder what you look like? How much you would have weighed, if you were a baby boy or baby girl? I already had your full name picked out, ya know. 

I am the only person missing you today. 

Isn't that crazy? Missing someone you never met. But, the trust is, I did meet you. You listened to my heart beat as I did everything possible to make sure you were safe and healthy.

 I am the only person sad that you are not here with me.... Stop. How selfish of me. You are with our Savior, Jesus Christ. You are having the BEST birthday. 

Mommy will always miss you, sweet pea. I will always wonder so many things. But, mommy is ready to move on. You will always hold the most special place in my heart. My life will never be the same as it was before losing you, but I will be happy. I am so happy with your brothers and your daddy.Mommy is ready to smile. Your sweet big brothers deserve Mama to be as happy as I can be. 7 Months later, mommy is ready. 

Happy Birthday Baby! Eat some cake for me! I love you, to Heaven and back.

And, how cool is it that I will one day get to meet you and Jesus in the same day?!? 

Until then.... Fly High Baby.